Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
