He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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