I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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