He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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