you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
