how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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