My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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