When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
