literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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