Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Four minutes until I can fart!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
