So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I know her cup size but not her name....
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
