im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
