she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
