the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
