She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
