I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
