I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
