Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
