DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I have already put on my inside pants.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
