If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I've blown a few things in my day
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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