The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
