the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
