I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
