he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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