i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I just found puke in my bra..
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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