Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
