Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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