everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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