Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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