Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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