Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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