My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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