I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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