i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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