Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
