college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
