somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
