Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fill condoms, not promises.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
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