There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You can't just leave with hair like that
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
