i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
