Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
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Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
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Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.