True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.