life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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