I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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