I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
