i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
