It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
