Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
