Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
