I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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