I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
