Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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