She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
